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Thursday, June 25, 2015

This is the result of my mind taking a turn to the stranger side of my soul

     They say the truth shall set you free... So I'll admit something to you; I'm crazy. I always have been and always will be. Being crazy is my lifestyle. I'm everything yet nothing simultaneously, and it makes perfect sense. No contradiction. Part of my lifestyle is to suffer, which I'm beginning to embrace, and not just tolerate. Look at all the giants in this world, intellectual, religious, and otherwise. They rose up because they were crazy. They didn't mind they were crazy,... didn't even care.
      I have always felt such animosity towards those who "have it easy", or other such simplicity in their lives. I felt taunted by their lack of pain and distress. Now I know it's not frustration I feel but rather I know the depths of their being is not at all like mine... Because they're not crazy. They don't suffer. Their ability to contemplate is stunted because that whole aspect of life is unknown territory to them. I almost laugh at them... Because I know how clueless they are. And with much malice, too. I equally dislike and envy people like them. On one hand, I'd love to be that oblivious. On the other, I know I'd never be able to either write nor think as I do if I didn't suffer greatly. There's two sides to the coin.
      I used to only share my "positive" writings, because I was afraid people would find out that I'm a crazy, anguished wanderer. I honestly am glad that I don't hide my true self anymore. Yes, I'm mostly who I was before; the wanna-be Talmudist, good student, and writer. But I've exposed a whole different side of myself... One that also tells the story of who I am, maybe better than the other side. This side tells the narrative, the other side just tells the events. So when people act so surprised about this side of myself, saying I never used to be this way, I know they don't know me. This is how I've always been... I only hid it away.

     Even though I was cursed in some ways by such suffering, I know that it's only for the best and it's how I was meant to be. Hashem does what's best, always. I don't question His authority in how He created his creatures. I only judge who I am, how I am, and why I am this way... It's the most enlightening thing to contemplate this. It's how I accept Hashem's will, and try to understand it.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Exactly, this is what we all need Rebbe Nachman for. On the flip hand if everything would be going completely fine like the people you described, you would feel no need to come to the Tzadik and then you can really waste your life away.