I was wondering if I should write this post or not. I decided it was good to be honest, and so here I am, writing once again. The reason why I haven't written much is because I don't really feel like I can become a leader anymore. I envisioned I would become a Talmudist, a this, a that. I always try to bring something worthwhile to the table, but I just err so much. I look towards the Rebbe for inspiration, because he said that he became so great not because of his soul, but because of his own hard work. Of course he had a beautiful soul. Of course he worked hard. But how the heck did he get where he did?!
It feels like whenever I resolve to study more and daven more, I end up doing the opposite. It's clearly the yetzer hara's work. But how do I break away from it's grasp? How do I become all that I want to become, and all that Hashem has shown me that I can become? It's so incredibly frustrating! Whenever I want to make a step forward, I always fall back. Sometimes I don't study enough, and sometimes I eat food without the proper certification. I never eat anything really awful like pork, but eating something that isn't certified is just as bad! I try to eat as kosher as possible, except for when I see something that I used to eat before I became kosher, like Kraft cheese.
The thing is, I want to be better and I want to change, but I'm stuck in an old pattern that's horribly difficult to overcome.